The Mospheirans

Episode 2

The scene--the living room of the Average Mospheiran family. Mr. & Mrs. Mospheiran sit on the couch. Mrs. Mospheiran is knitting something with thick, black wool. Mr. Mospheiran is reading a magazine.

Mr. Mospheiran: (turning the page of his magazine) "Is she up on the roof again?"

Mrs. Mospheiran: "I guess so. She said she had some surveillance to do, that usually means the roof."

From outside the window, we hear the sound of sirens approaching the building, getting louder and louder, then stopping abruptly right outside the building. Then shouting. Then silence. Mrs. Mospheiran continues to knit. Mr. Mospheiran continues to read. About ten minutes pass.

Enter Miss Mospheiran through the window. She’s wearing all black--black sweatshirt, black jeans, black sneakers. Her hair is neatly braided. She has a holstered gun at her waist. A glob of fluorescent orange paint is splashed across her upper left arm. There are tears in her eyes.

Miss Mospheiran: "That damn Danny Hanks!"

Mrs. Mospheiran: "Watch that language, young lady!"

Miss Mospheiran: "But Mom, it’s not fair! His family has so much money, and he can get as much ammunition as he wants. And if the police come, they take one look at his ID and let him go. And Angie said that Susan heard Mike tell Jim that Danny Hanks said I was totally lame and that I couldn’t shoot straight to save my life!"

Mr. Mospheiran: "It doesn’t look like he was shooting too straight tonight. Assuming that’s Danny Hanks’ paint on your arm."

Miss Mospheiran: "It’s not fair! I should have been out of range! He can afford the best guns."

Mrs. Mospheiran: "Well, you’ll just have to outsmart him. There’s always going to be someone with a bigger gun, you know."

Miss Mospheiran: (sniffles) "Oh, I’ll never be an assassin!"

Mrs. Mospheiran sets her knitting aside and holds out her arms.

Mrs. Mospheiran: "Come here, sweetie."

Miss Mospheiran sits down on the couch between her parents and leans her head on Mrs. Mospheiran’s shoulder.

Miss Mospheiran: "Oh, Mom! It’s just not fair!"

Mrs. Mospheiran: "Now, you know you can’t even start to think about being an assassin until you graduate from high school. And you really should go to college, too. So you’ve got plenty of time to work on it. Why don’t you take a nice bath, and then turn in. You’ll feel better in the morning--it’s always easier to make a fresh start after a good night’s sleep. Now, did the police see you?"

Miss Mospheiran: "I managed to send them off on a false trail a few streets away."

Mr. Mospheiran: "Yes, well, just in case, let’s get our stories straight. You were in your room doing homework all evening, and you’ve just now gone to take a bath and go to bed."

Miss Mospheiran: "Oh, Dad, you’re the greatest!"

Miss Mospheiran exits towards the bathroom. Mrs. Mospheiran picks up her needles and resumes knitting.

Mr. Mospheiran: "Are you sure this is a good idea, encouraging her like this?"

Mrs. Mospheiran: "It’s only a phase. A fad. It’ll fall by the wayside soon enough. And besides, don’t you remember that man my cousin Sally was dating a few years ago? The one my aunt hated? The one she told Sally over and over was no good for her?"

Mr. Mospheiran: "You mean the artist? The guy who burned down that warehouse and told the police it was a ‘performance?’ Never seemed to take a bath?"

Mrs. Mospheiran: "That’s the one."

Mr. Mospheiran: "I thought Sally married him."

No sound except for Mrs. Mospheiran knitting four from the cable needle and purling two.

Mr. Mospheiran: "I see your point." (muses for a few moments) "It’s just that I wonder what she’ll make of herself. It’s not like she can really ever join the Assassins’ Guild."

Mrs. Mospheiran: "Well, no, but she’s a smart girl, and she’s been keeping up her grades. Maybe she’ll be a professional chef. That would be nice. She’s wonderful with a knife, these days. And very interested in food safety."

We hear a knock at the front door.

Mrs. Mospheiran: "Now, who could that be at this time of night?"

Mr. Mospheiran: "I hope it’s nothing serious."

Mr. Mospheiran opens the door. Two policemen stand in the hall.

Mr. Mospheiran: "Good evening, Officers. Can I help you with anything?"

Officer 1: "That’s what we’re here to find out, Mr. Mospheiran. There’s been some more vandalism in the neighborhood, reports of prowlers on the roof. One witness gave a description that matched Miss Mospheiran, and she does have that previous offense, you understand. Can you tell us where your daughter’s been this evening?"

Mr. Mospheiran: "Officer, ever since we picked her up at the station last month, she’s been grounded. Only out to go to school and back, and I or my wife drop her off and pick her up. My wife brought her straight home after school, she had supper, and then spent the rest of the evening doing homework in her bedroom. I think she’s taking a bath now."

Officer 2: "There’s no way she could have left the apartment without your knowing it?"

Mr. Mospheiran: "Absolutely not. Either I or my wife has been in the living room all evening, and she’d have had to pass us to get to either door. So she couldn’t have gotten out without our knowing it. Unless, of course, you’re suggesting she climbed out a third story window."

Officer 1: "Not likely. Do you mind if we talk to Miss Mospheiran for a few moments?"

Mrs. Mospheiran: "I’ll go see if she’s out of the....there you are, sweetheart, I was just about to come get you."

Miss Mospheiran enters wearing a big pink bathrobe, her hair wet.

Miss Mospheiran: "Oh, hello, Officers. Is there a problem?"

Officer 1: "We’d just like to ask a few questions. Where have you been this evening?"

Miss Mospheiran: "I came straight home from school, had supper, and I’ve spent the rest of the evening in my bedroom, doing homework."

Officer 2: "Do you have any idea who might be involved in the recent vandalism incidents?"

Miss Mospheiran: "No, officer, I told you the last time, I have no idea. I was--"

Officer 1: "--just out for a walk that night."

Miss Mospheiran: "Yes."

Officer 1: "On the roof."

Miss Mospheiran: "It’s lovely up there, Officer, you should try it."

Officer 1: "Yes. Of course. Well, if you hear anything, let us know."

Miss Mospheiran: "Of course."

Mr. Mospheiran: "Young lady, if you know something, you’d better come clean, or you’ll regret it!"

Miss Mospheiran: "I swear, Daddy, I don’t know anything about it!"

Officer 2: "Well, thank you for your time. Good night."

All three Mospheirans: "Good night, officers."

Mr. Mospheiran closes the door.

Miss Mospheiran: "Oh, Dad, you’re the greatest!" (kisses Mr. Mospheiran, and then Mrs. Mospheiran) "You too, Mom. Good night!"

Mrs. Mospheiran: "Good night, sweetie. And do try to be more careful in the future."

Miss Mospheiran: "I will, Mom, I promise."

Miss Mospheiran exits toward her bedroom, leaving Mr. and Mrs. Mospheiran to finish up their reading and knitting, respectively.